- she turns chaos into art -

I always seem to do this...

i've always been the type of girl who was never nervous about being out alone at night. i've never felt threatened, or hesitant about my safety. i came home from work friday afternoon to find that my door had been kicked in, and condo broken into. they stole my computer, ipod, and camera but most importantly i feel like they stole my privacy. i'm now uncomfortable when i'm home alone, and i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight being my first night by myself.

i just dont understand how a burglary can happen in broad daylight in a gated community that is highly populated. i want to feel comfortable in my own home, and i want to feel at ease about having 2 young girls living alone in an apartment. ugh, i just feel violated & i want to feel secure again.


in good news, stella will be here tomorrow.

College is such bullshit. I'm graduating this semester, and I feel farther away from knowing what I want than I did as a freshman. I've fulfilled all my requirements, completed internships, and I still feel as if I have no clue where my life is going. I get awesome grades, have a nice GPA and somehow I don't feel as if I've learned anything. The only good thing to come of these past 4 years is finding out that I'm actually good at one form of art.

Come May, I'm thrown out into the real world. And it's scary as hell.

life is perfection, and im going to see hanson on thursday.

be jealous.

this post is merely for Courtney and Jenna:

i have conquered slow pitch. as lame as the sport may be, i have made it my bitch.
that is all.

i have to sing in front of a bunch of people on thursday. on a stage. alone. 
i think im peeing myself already and its not even thursday.

ah!

im going to do homework all weekend, and I'M GOING TO LIKE IT.

so, life is good and i have nothing to complain about.

except for the fact that a large truck was OBVIOUSLY not paying attention when it backed into the front of poor Marley the Mazda, causing there to be a large hole, scratches, and the eventual cracking of my front grill. AND NO NOTE! Thanks asshole, my next paycheck is dedicated to repairing your mistake on my parked car.

Love life is better I guess. The other weekend was really strenuous on my emotions, but I think I actually needed to be ignored as a wake up call to the fact that I was being pathetic and can't really expect anything from anyone. Since that weekend, I've had the realizations that I should have none of those expectations, and just take life for what it is- and that's when the phone calls started pooouuurrrrrring in. And now i'm swimming in the attention I wanted and don't know what to do with it. Sweet.

School is rough right now, but I'm managing. I'm started to like my classes, and it's not such a pain.
Work is work, and I still get paid too much for not doing much at all.
(And here is one more complaint, my bad. I made so much this past year that I actually OWE the government more money instead of getting a tax return. Although they have already taken over $1000 this year, they still want more. So I'm moving to the Netherlands.)


Billy Bojangles, will you be my baby daddy?

this week was/is supposed to be good for many reasons.
but alas, i have my doubts.

why do i make the simplest things complicated?

So, I last posted about my curse which is still in effect.
And I think i like someone, then I convince myself I don't. 
And then they don't call, and i get all sad about it.
So clearly I do.

There's 10 hours between us tonight, and I feel like my heart will break.

I AM CURSED.
completely cursed.

Exactly what I needed:

I won't be the circus for you to star in. I won't leave you roses to watch them die.
You won't be the heartache that keeps me sleepless.
You won't be the songs that I'll never write. 

I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall. 
I don't want to have to see you leave me.
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all.
Maybe I'm a fake, Maybe you're a lie.
Maybe our chance died with last night.
I dont want to stay, I don't want to fall in love again.

I won't be a fortress for you to hide in. 
I won't be the first one you think to call. 
You won't be the regrets that I can't live with.
And we won't be the last ones to have to lose it all.

When we're scared and lonely, we'll tell ourselves we're only a word from what we needed.
But we know that's not right.
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall.
I don't want to have to see you leave me. 
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all.
Maybe I'm a fake, Maybe you're a lie.
Maybe our last chance died with last night.
I don't want to stay- I can't stay. I can't fall for you again.

i know that you don't mean to be mean to me,
cause when you want to you, you can make me feel like we belong.
lately you make me feel that all i am is a backup, 
i say i'm done and then you smile at me and i forget
everything i said

i buy into those eyes, and into your lies-

you say you'll call but i know you
you say you're coming home, but i know you..
you say you'll call- but i know you won't.

i wish you were where you're supposed to be- close to me
but here i am just staring at this candle burning out
still no sound
of footsteps on my stairs
of your voice anywhere..

you say you'll call but i know you won't.

i've been pushed to the limit.
i need to find out what i want and stop doing shit for everyone but myself.


hopefully, i can start over in november.

 so i decided what im going to do with my life.

im going to finish up at UNF and get my advertising degree.
then SOMEHOW, im going to go to fullsail and get a degree in recording arts.
so if you would like to donate to the April Wants to Fulfill her Dream Fund, I'm gladly accepting.

Because.. somehow, I have to pay for this since my parentals don't seem to like the idea.
bitches.

oh, be still my heart.

why didn't i pursue music when i had the chance?

It has been a year since the madness of my sophomore year had begun.
Nothing good came from any of it, only damage.

So here's to a new school year, new social outlook, and new financial stability.


i can only pray for a better year than last.
b.i.s.t.a.y.

..and then i went to walmart, entered a contest, and won a $500 dollar shopping spree.

so my life has gone UP and DOWN and blah blah blah...


-got accidentally laid off from my amazing job because the bosses are dumber than rocks.
-freaked out and thought the world was ending.
-got hired by an architect to be an administrative assistant.
-worked downtown at the firm for one day and..
               -got harassed by bums
               -lost trying to find my parking garage
               -had to pay for parking bc i still couldnt find it
               -went the wrong way on a one way street
               -didn't understand any of the tasks that they had me doing
               -didn't make a delivery on time and had to do it at 8 this morning
-my old amazing job wanted me back
-so i quit this morning at the firm.


i feel like one of those people who work one day and quit.. but i'm not - i just would rather do 
a lot less, and get paid a whole lot more.

todes.

oh, and karma is on my side.